


Writing Lines

by Alexicon



Series: harry potter works [9]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-21
Updated: 2014-09-21
Packaged: 2018-02-18 07:03:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2339471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexicon/pseuds/Alexicon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Newly free of the burden of destiny, Harry Potter has to write lines rather frequently over the course of the 'eighth' year of Hogwarts. Here are some examples.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I will not convince firsties that there is a house for the crazy called the Lovegood house, nor that almost everyone thinks Dumbledore should have been sent there. I will not convince said firstie to do a survey asking if Dumbledore should have gone to the crazy house.

I will not convince other students that the Dark Lord's head is the shape and texture of a bowling ball, nor will I inform them that the serpentine nostrils are perfect places for your fingers when you toss the ball down the lane.

I will not inform the Weasley twins that the proper term for more than one prankster is ‘prankstren’, nor will I charm every dictionary within range to make sure it proves this.

I will not deface the school yearbooks with mustaches and goatees, no matter how evil Tom Riddle might have been.

I will not deface the school yearbooks with gazelle antlers and oddly shaped freckles, either.

I will not charm the House banners to be fluorescent colours.

I will not start a black market of miniature badger, snake, lion, and eagle figurines.

I will not post a picture of a raven on the Ravenclaw common room door with a Permanent Sticking Charm, even if I think it is ridiculous that the Ravenclaw mascot is an eagle rather than a raven.

I will not transfigure the eagle door knocker into a raven.

I will not transfigure the chairs in the Hufflepuff common room into soft rugs and piles of fluff, no matter how comfortable I think it will make them.


	2. Chapter 2

I will not try to start a Shampoo Day in honour of Severus Snape.

I will not refer to showering as ‘giving the house-elves a show’.

I will not hang brightly coloured scarves from the Astronomy Tower.

I will not give Professor Trelawney a Muggle Magic 8 Ball as a Christmas present.

I will not attempt to discover if the alarms on the books in the Restricted Section can make a tune with differently pitched screams.

I will not steal Dennis Creevy’s camera and take it into a Pensieve with me. I will not publicize any amusing and/or embarrassing photographs gained in this manner without the permission of its subject(s).

I will not attempt to fly without a broom or high-powered cushioning charms to catch me when I inevitably fall.

I will not ‘accidentally’ explode every single cauldron, bottle, or vial of Amortentia in the school, no matter how vile I find the potion.

I will not attempt an experiment to see if Polyjuicing into a werewolf during the night of the full moon means that I also transform into the wolf form.

I will not convince my Transfiguration teacher that I have the animagus form of a Crumple-Horned Snorkack.


	3. Chapter 3

I will not convince my Potions teacher that a Muggle blender would be perfect for potions if only it worked around high concentrations of magic, even if I genuinely believe it to be true.

I will not enter the girls’ dormitory solely to prove I can, despite the numerous workable plans I have in mind to do so.

I will not try to climb the side of the castle with only some rope and a harness.

I will not use Engorgio on fruit flies.

I will not Reducto a number of mirrors and leave their broken remains in the North Tower with the note, ‘I wish you all the luck you gave to me.’

I will not use magenta ink on essays.

I will not sign my name ‘Roonil Wazlib’.

I will not enchant my best friend's alarm clock to beat him about the head with a cushion when he doesn’t wake up on time, no matter how hilarious I find it.

I will not sneak into the girls’ dormitory to infuse my female best friend's hairbrush with Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion, no matter how grateful she is.

I will not charm all of my best friend’s pants maroon.


	4. Chapter 4

I will not convince my godson to imitate Severus Snape and inform the man's portrait that he had an illegitimate son before he died, nor will I laugh hysterically when said man’s portrait informs me just why that would be impossible.

I will not acquire contacts and then spend the day intentionally bumping into people and telling them it’s because I broke my glasses.

I will not hex people every time they say I look like my father and have my mother’s eyes.

I will not melt down previous students’ Special Awards to the School and make it into an animated lion, no matter how adorable it is.

I will not hold Annual Lockhart Books Burning Day in the Great Hall.

I will not provide guided tours of the Chamber of Secrets.

I will not inform students that the teachers bet on their love lives.

I will not reveal how much Professor Flitwick won when Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley finally got together.

I will not make pictures in the grass of the Quidditch pitch that can only be seen whilst in the air.

I will not charm teachers’ clocks to cheer when class is over.


	5. Chapter 5

I will not try to set my homework on fire with merely the power of my mind, nor will I cheer loudly and take a bow when I succeed in the middle of class.

I will not use my modified version of the measuring spell to write down the number of words I used rather than the inches.

I will not teach the students how to play Rock, Paper, Scissors with real rocks, papers, and scissors.

I will not transfigure all of the snow on the grounds into a million snowglobes.

I will not use my memory of my aunt’s voice to send Howlers to people who send threatening letters.

I will not use my wand to scratch my shoulder while practicing conjuration.

I will not convince the house elves to serve me butterbeer rather than pumpkin juice.

I will not make s’mores during Potions class, even if I have already finished my potion.

I will not wear Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes shirts unless I am certain they will remain on me without external intervention.

I will not sell temporary tattoos that look like the Dark Mark, even if they are colourful and glittery.


	6. Chapter 6

I will not wear denim trousers and a shirt to class rather than my uniform robes.

I will not replace all the puddings at dinner with sherbet lemons, even if it is in memory of Headmaster Dumbledore.

I will not attempt to convince my best friends that Death came to me in a dream and he really likes classical music and alternative rock.

I will not inform Professor Trelawney that while I did manage to die, it was in a manner completely unpredicted by her or any other ‘seer’.

I will not convince students to write the Ministry and various newpapers saying that Umbridge could control dementors because she had no soul to begin with.

I will not set up a black market of brightly coloured parchments and inks. I will also not sell colours that clash violently to the same person.

I will not charm Sickles and Galleons to look bronze.

I will not charm owls to glow in the dark.

I will not sell teddy bears to students. I will also not keep a list of any who purchase them in order for future blackmailing and/or teasing purposes.

I will not tell Draco Malfoy that I like his peacocks.


	7. Chapter 7

I will not write sonnets on the joys of having indoor plumbing. I will also recall that while ‘plumbing’ and ‘slumming’ do rhyme, there are not many sane people willing to listen to why you felt the need to write said sonnet without becoming very disturbed.

I will not attempt to switch my glasses for a monocle.

I will not attempt to switch my glasses for two monocles.

I will not dress as a Death Eater for Halloween.

I will not do a rating system that compares the Howlers students get to each other.

I will not create a game that involves cursing Howlers to burn/explode/tear up before it starts screaming.

I will not remind Ronald Weasley of the Slug-Spewing Hex he once suffered immediately before he sits down to eat lunch.

I will not wear a Muggle gas mask for Potions class, no matter how amusing I find my classmates’ terrified reactions.

I will not come to detention wearing a dressing gown and slippers.


	8. Chapter 8

I will not ask the Room of Requirement for blackmail materials.

I will not tell Moaning Myrtle that Tom Riddle might have loved to share her toilet if only any of the shards of his soul had been large enough to become a ghost.

I will not inform Peeves that he is my pet, no matter how hilarious he finds this.

I will not use a thestral to convince first years that I have the power to float without casting spells.

I will not put tracking charms on the owls of people who write me nasty letters.

I will not chat with Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington about the odd coincidence of his and my parents’ Death Day nearly four hundred years apart in the middle of the Great Hall.

I will not tell unSorted first years where all of the House common rooms are.

I will not transfigure the marbles we are meant to be turning into dogs into the most terrifying, slavering beast I can imagine.

I will not try to fashion wands out of sticks from the Whomping Willow and my own hair.

I will not whimper dramatically every time I have to go past Madame Puddifoot’s.


	9. Chapter 9

I will not mend expelled students’ wands, no matter if they were framed for the thing for which they were expelled.

I will not pretend to sob when informed that Rita Skeeter is retiring and moving to a remote island where they don't have a Daily Prophet building.

I will not glamour myself to look like Tom Riddle just to see who notices the difference.

I will not dare my friends to grovel at the feet of every teacher they come across.

I will not encourage younger students to purchase History of Magic notes off of a Ravenclaw or a Slytherin older year.

I will not start a petition to exorcise Professor Binns.

I will not put up posters asking to hire the Ghostbusters.

I will not permanently destroy Hogwarts property, even if there happens to be another powerful curse on a teaching position.

I will not compare lycanthropy to premenstrual syndrome in the hearing range of any woman, werewolf, or especially female werewolf.

I will not claim to be a fairy godfather, even if I have managed to produce my wand from a chasm in the air I made that follows me around and is connected to a wizardspace I created.


	10. Chapter 10

I will not sit on my best friend’s lap during Transfiguration class, even if my chair has been turned into a cathedral monstrosity and his lap is surprisingly comfortable.

I will not put plaques up where the most memorable pranks of recent history have occurred.

I will not convince unsuspecting purebloods that lampshades are actually very fashionable hats.

I will not give Luna Lovegood a lampshade to wear as a hat.

I will not give Luna Lovegood Ideas, nor will I provide her with a ready supply of Muggle science fiction and fantasy novels.

I will not paint Draco Malfoy’s nails pink.

I will not paint Draco Malfoy’s nails at all.

I will not animate scores of stuffed animals and tell students that there is going to be a ‘Cuddly Rebellion’.

I will not enchant quills to write what users are thinking instead of what they’re supposed to be writing.

I will not install lighthouse lights in any of the Hogwarts towers.


	11. Chapter 11

I will not turn the Astronomy classroom into a planetarium, no matter how useful it may be.

I will not post images in the Great Hall of how best to extract the most common Potions ingredients used in class.

I will not convince the house elves to steal one sock from each matching pair and switch them with other students’ socks.

I will not enchant empty plates to make hungry sounds before dinner is served onto them.

I will not use Polyjuice to transform myself and my friends into each other, even if the only reason I was caught was because Hermione couldn’t stand to be as lazy as Ron tends to be.

I will not plaster portraits of Gilderoy Lockhart in the Janus Thickey Ward of St. Mungo’s.

I will not call any of my classmates a ‘sorry excuse for a simian that happened to put its foot in its mouth rather than food.’

I will not put monitoring and tracking charms on the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, even if they do have a very bad track record of trying to kill me or otherwise cause me harm.

I will not steal students’ copies of the Daily Prophet to make a papier-mâché of a donkey, and then claim that it’s ‘the only fitting animal for the writers and editors of the Daily Prophet.’

I will not paste all the copies I can find of my ‘Undesirable No. 1’ poster on the door to my dormitory.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://lexiconallie.tumblr.com)!


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